THE ADVENTURES OF DENNIS AND DALE

 THE REDNECK TRUCK DRIVERS IN ALASKA

               Dennis and Dale attended Pensacola Christian College. One day during their summer break before senior year they saw clips of the show, Ice Road Truckers, and decided that it might be fun to try. So they graduated and started saving all their money for the tickets to Alaska. It took a few years but they finally got there. They stepped of the plane in Anchorage, Alaska on a balmy 65-degree day and immediately scoured the city for a large coat and parka suppliers. Then they headed over to the truck driving company.

At first they weren’t sure about hiring two lower 48 boys to drive 18-wheelers on the icy roadways of Alaska. But after the four truck pile up near the Canada border, they needed everyone that they could get. So Dennis and Dale filled out all the paper work and began their training. They were assigned to train with two of the older drivers; Speed Demon Marv trained Dale, while Dingbat Betty trained Dennis. At first Dennis was excited that he had a girl trainer but she turned out to live up to her name. Dennis got a gray hair or two as Betty purposely gunned the truck up steep slopes and let it skate down the hill on its own accord. Dale didn’t fare much better. Speed Demon Marv lived up to his name to by proving once and for all that man can drive almost the speed of light by driving from Anchorage to Fairbanks in 3 hours. (Normally a 5-hour trip). Dale tried to ask him to slow down more than once. But Marv only laughed and said, “ What and let the coppers catch up? I don’t think so!”

You would think these crazy adventures would send the two racing for the airport but they stuck with it. They showed up for training every day and stopped jumping at the sound of a trunks horn after a week. That was only the beginning .A few months later after they had faced every test possible, they were finally trusted with one of the smaller trucks. Their first assignment was a supply drops a furniture store in Juneau, Alaska. They drove to Haines and boarded the slow ferry. They had about 4 hours to kill before they arrived in Juneau, so they spent it in the food bar eating gigantic pieces of cheesecake. They arrived in Juneau shortly after the kitchen on board ran out of cheesecake. They went straight to the store and dropped off their load. Then they paid a visit to their friend Natalie (who wondered why anyone would trust them with trucks.) They chatted for a while and Dennis and Dale caught the night ferry back to Haines. They got back to Anchorage in record time and there waiting for them in the lot was an 18 wheeler with their names on the deed. They were so excited. They filled out their paperwork and went hope to wait for their next assignment.

About a week later, they were called. It was there dream assignment, a parts shipment to the little encampment at Deadhorse at the very top of Alaska. It took a few days to get everything ready, but they were off at almost the speed of light. It was a heavy load for the truck so about 30 minutes out of Anchorage they had to slow down. Soon after that, the radio kicked out and they were left to the static of the airways. Dennis lasted for a few minutes longer than expected and they brought out his country CDs. It must have been a strange sight to behold for there they were two southern boys blaring country music on the icy roads of Alaska. All the critters held their eardrums and ran for their lives. Even the gas stations were affected. Wherever they stopped was immediately cleaned out of their diet coke, coke and potato chips.

This went on for the few days that it took to get to the small town 150 miles for Deadhorse. They stopped for the night there and the next morning went to the gas station to fill up on the necessities mentioned above and fuel. The teller of the gas didn’t even notice them at first when they got up the counter. He sat watching an old TV set down under the counter, and they had to clear their throats 2 or 3 times before he would look up. He finally saw them and went about ringing them up without his eyes ever leaving the screen. “You boys heading up to Deadhorse?” his raspy voice choked out.

 “Yes sir” Dale replied as Dennis got the money to pay him.

“Well be careful, watch out for the Indonesians!” He said.

“The what?” Dale replied, with a bit of a shiver.

“The polar bears, boy, there has been a lot of them up that way recently so just be careful. They have been crazier after those blasted greenies released Julie the Amazing Polar bear from the zoo. –  man im glad that I don’t live in Indonesia right now, with all the uprisings.” He said partly to Dale and partly to the screen he stared at.

Dale looked to Dennis and he just shrugged. So remembering the rules their mamas had taught them, they nodded politely, said thank you, and they drove as fast as possible away from the strange guy. They drove for a while in silence with visions of polar bears dancing in Dale’s mind. They were just a few miles from Deadhorse when they saw a jumble of white fur running over the snow. Dale pulled the truck off the side of the road and just stared at it. “It’s beautiful, “ he mumbled. Dennis reminded him that they were dangerous but at the point Dale wasn’t really listening.

The bear came to a stop about 15 feet from Dale’s side of the truck. He sat down and just stared at them with its calculating black eyes. Dale reached back behind his seat and dragged out the meat bag he had prepared just in case they saw one. He chucked the first piece out the window. The bear swallowed it down. He did this about 10 times with the same result. Then he held one and slowly opened the door. He had planned to get out and try and feed the bear by hand but the minute his boot was outside of the truck the bear raced over and sank her teeth into it. Dale yelled and grabbed onto his seat as the bear tried to pull him from the cab of the truck. Dennis wasn’t sure what to do but he grabbed the closest thing to him, the diet coke cans, and started chucking them at the bear’s head. After 4 cans hitting it in the head with no result, he reached back and grabbed his rifle. He threw one last can and hit it right on its sensitive nose. It let go and Dale raised his foot back into the truck and closed the door. The bear started jumping at the cab so Dennis aimed his gun and shot the animal in the head. It dropped on the snow and since it is currently illegal to shoot an endangered species they drove away. Their stay in Deadhorse was a bit longer then they expected. Dale had to get several stitches in his foot and was told not to drive on it for a day or two.

When he finally felt better they set off again. Glad to being heading back to civilized junk food instead of the whale fat and berries the natives fed them. When they got to the place where they shot the bear. Dale stomped on the brakes. Then without any warning to a very confused Dennis he jumped out of the cab and ran toward the fallen carcass of the bear. Dennis shouted at him to get back in the truck but it was a few minutes before Dale returned. Yet when he came he was carrying a small bundle of fur. He told Dennis to drive and climbed up in the passenger seat. It was a few miles down the road before Dennis saw that it was a tiny emaciated little polar bear cub. Dale got a bit of milk on a towel and fed the little guy, then cradled it as it fell asleep.

Now Dennis and Dale had no idea what to do with the little guy, that Dale named Green Christmas. They talked about it for a while and were discussing options when he noticed a bunch of people  parked on the side of the road, chanting and hugging trees.

So they stopped and witnessed to them. Many of the"huggers" gave up their wicked ways and became Christians. One such person was a known polar bear scientist that knew exactly how to help them take care of the cub.They soon grew to be great friends. So much so that the 3 of them decided to become truck driving evangelists. They drove all over Alaska preaching the word and telling people about proper bear safety.