Fall : for what?

Alright, alright. So I didn't write yesterday...But I wrote two entries the day before, so technically I covered myself for that day. So HA! Not sure why i just did that.. Anyway...So today I'm back on course and writing about fall. ( Vikky may shoot me for that sentence) Fall. Leaves dotting the concrete, wafting on the breath of the chilled wind. Cocoa and a book in front of the fire, while snuggled under a cozy blanket in a overstuffed chair. Thats what many people think if as fall. For me well at the moment all it says is that I will soon be unemployed....I have worked the same job in between school since i was a senior in high school. I got my first job at 14 and had a summer job for all the rest of the years till now. This time though I'm staring at finding nothing for the fall and on. Still praying hard about this one, but I am actually feeling nervous, petrified,and disheartened that it may happen. Many people would jump at the chance to stay home and leech off their parents. Some say that it is ok for a short time to stay home and figure things out. But to me its like pointing a gun at my head and saying its okay to pull the trigger. I would go insane. I need people. I need to interact and work. Who knows what will happen this fall.....

Fear: is there any rational one?

I am not afraid of anything. Ha! That is a lie, that everyone tries to get themselves and others to believe. But its not true. EVERYONE is afraid of something. Spiders, snakes, bears, and pretty much any animal that can do you harm is on this list from someone. But in truth, they things that scare the most people collectively are things that they cant understand. Life, for example is one of them. This is a fear i have been staring in the face for the past few weeks and more so in the last few days. Now don't get me wrong. I am not afraid of life itself, I'm more nervous about trying to figure out to do with mine. I almost feel that it is passing me by and that there is so much more i should know by this point in my life. Everyone else seems to have it more together then i do. Just tonight I was out with some people i know. They were talking about some people we know getting engaged. They were so proud of them and it kept coming up in the conversation. Now I am incredibly happy for the couple. I wish them all the best in life. Yet I always found myself wondering... I'm the same age as them yet of no major accomplishments can I boast. Am I just weird? Did i miss something in the manuel of life that they were able to decipher and i missed? One of these days, hopefully, i will be able to figure it all out.
 This like some other things, i think, just boggle the human mind too much for less then a month's pondering. As I was typing the above I was going over the rest of the night, and a greater fear engulfed me later that same night. Now i admit this was a stupid prank of my imagination gone bezerk. Sitting here even thinking about it, I am shocked at it. I am a news junkie. So much so that I read several articles about the horrific shooting at the Dark Knight Rises all those weeks ago. Yet not even that explains why tonight I walked into a movie theater and was scared. I sat there in my chair of 2016 and felt fear start to eb my resolve. Every time a gun fired in the commercials or a loud noise echoed i flinched. After the previews I thought i would be fine, but no such luck. Every loud noise made me jump and I was close to panic. Finally it got so bad that i made my way to the bathroom. The minute i got in the door I felt a little better. The thought crossed my mind to stay in there for the duration of the movie and meet up with the people afterwards. Yet fortunately, my staunch hygiene won out. That bathroom was disgusting. I took a deep breath and walked back into the theater. I was going to head up the aisle to my group but instead i compromised and flopped into the back row. I pulled out my little red notebook,ready to pull the excuse of taking notes in the dim light of the side lamps... I prayed alot during that time... some that the movie would end soon...It was ridiculous. I even tallied how the long the movie was suppose to be and had a countdown going...Finally the movie ended and a tiredness of mass proportions took over. I was so quiet when i met up with my group again. They noticed but thankfully didn't push me. I will never understand what happened tonight but in a way I'm glad it did. It made me realize that some fears are more dangerous then others. Some fears i dont have to try to beat. But others I need to be in control of so that they dont control me. This is something God and I are going to have to work on. I need to remember that at all times He is in control and that I am safe in his hands. Because if i remember that then fear is just a word....

And Again

Alright we are trying this again.....But this time I have a list. Before i go to sleep every night there will be a new entry. That might make this a bit more crazy. I'm a slightly different individual to begin with, but now my mind will be unleashed on the unsuspecting blog reader. You have been warned!!! thankyou for Reading it though and please continue. :)